We've all done it. We probably did it last weekend. Hell, we'll probably do it again this weekend. The beautiful people have it done to them all the time.
What am I talking about, you may ask? Let me paint this picture: You're out at a bar/lounge/club/party whatever, and the night is winding down. Three hours earlier you said to yourself, "Self, I am only going to have two drinks tonight." Four drinks later you climb into the car with your friends (as a passenger, of course) and break out the cellphone. A missed call here, a random text there. No one you want to talk to. "Ya'll wanna go to I-Hop?" your friend says. You think to yourself, "Hmmm I wouldn't mind a Rootie Tootie Fresh & Fruity" But that's not what you really want right now.
So while sitting in the car, staring at your phone you begin to wonder who else is up. Somehow in your tipsy little mind you reason that if you're feeling so energized and euphoric everyone else must be too. Oh, but who to call? That guy you know is no good for you and you cussed out last week in a text? That girl you went out with a few times but suddenly stopped calling because she talks waaaaay too much?
Well, all those things don't matter now because you have two hands and a cell phone and you want to do some damage...
You text: U stil yp?
They text: Yea why?
(Oh wow! What now? What did I want?)
You text: U wanba se u?!
(It wouldn't be accurate without the spelling errors)
They text (after what feels like an eternity, but was actually 2 mins): Uh I have to wake up early for church.
You text: F&@"';*?#)*'":(*-+@!?!
Wow. You know what you just did? You just drunk texted. And yes you look like an idiot. What a vicious cycle. It happens. But what now?
I often find the best thing to do after a drunken text/voicemail tirade is to pretend it never happened. If you see the victim around afterward simply be cool and nonchalant. If they ask you about the 11 texts and 6 voicemails you left them last weekend look at them like they're crazy, put your thinking face on, then say "Oh! Yea I was pretty drunk!" Fake a laugh, then immediately do one of two things: yell out that whatever song the dj is playing is your song and dance away into the crowd (even if it is Lollipop, no one else is hype AND you're a dude), or quickly look around, spot someone you know and act so happy to see them that you must go talk to them instead. Do not under any circumstance run off to the bathroom, though, because then you seem flustered and crazy. You do, afterall, have an image to uphold!
Now that whole routine won't work week after week so next time take a breather, really think about sending that text if you can, and then...don't send it!